Do you need to have a challenging conversation? Do you feel resentful that your child does not appreciate all the things you do for them? Are you afraid they may talk back to you? Do you think you should not be loving them, yet they somehow don’t deserve your love? Do you find yourself justifying your anger?
Don’t suppress your love – that would be counterproductive. Negative emotions like resentment and anger relate to survival and make it difficult to think beyond the immediate situation. Positive emotions like love, interest, and hope promote expansiveness and open up resources in our lives. Suppressing your love will make it more difficult for you to have an open and resourceful conversation.
People often try to suppress their love to protect themselves because of two false assumptions:
- You think there’s a limited amount of love in the universe, and you don’t want to waste it on people who don’t show their love to you.
- You think loving someone means they have to behave in a specific way.
You have to love your children without needing them to behave a certain way and without requiring them to cooperate. Doing so will keep you from feeling like a failure and help you feel in control.
It starts with you. You have to love your child unconditionally, which takes practice, especially when your adult complex child has a rough time. Ask yourself, “How would it feel to love my child, no matter what, all the time?” Then, let go of the conditions that you put on loving them. Choosing to love your child has nothing to do with them being able to make you happy or needing to be in your life forever. We love our children because it’s the closest emotional bond and makes us feel most authentic. Loving people doesn’t reward that person; it rewards us.
Remember, loving your child does not mean you must tolerate yelling or verbal abuse. You can set expectations and boundaries from a place of love.
Do you want help learning to be loving and centered?
Schedule a complimentary Clarity Call.
Let’s have a conversation about your relationship, dreams, hopes, and desires, and what’s getting in the way for both you and your adult complex child. Giving yourself the gift of coaching can help both of you.
If appropriate, we can discuss coaching together longer term.
